


all those words I could never say, they haunt me.

by MythologyPastry



Series: Kahn and Dax: A Study [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Episode: s04e06 Rejoined, Episode: s06e26 Tears of the Prophets, F/F, Forbidden Love, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Lost Love, Memories, POV Female Character, Past Lives, Symbionts, Trill Culture (Star Trek), Trills
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27601961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MythologyPastry/pseuds/MythologyPastry
Summary: "Probably another good reason why we're not supposed to spend much time together. We'd probably just get lost in the past."
Relationships: Jadzia Dax/Lenara Kahn, Jadzia Dax/Worf, Torias Dax/Nilani Kahn
Series: Kahn and Dax: A Study [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019907
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	all those words I could never say, they haunt me.

Lenara Kahn hates being watched when it's not by an inviting eye, and Bejal is definitely not an inviting eye. "Out with it," she says quietly, staring out into space, reminded of the Bajoran wormhole yet again.

"You're mourning," Bejal states, clearly exhausted with his own logic. "You don't even know that woman, not really. She was a passing whim of Kahn's. Don't let her consume you like this."

A quiet pause. Lenara doesn't know how to respond to that one. It's not even a matter of reassociation at that point. It's a matter of empathy. And how dare he say _whim?_ "Her husband," The word hurts to say; it always has when it comes to Jadzia. "he lost his wife. Can I not feel bad?"

Bejal looks at her with the wisdom and frustration only a sibling can master. Kahn has never had a male host, but they both know that in this instance husband means _wife_ and that he means _she_. Lenara isn't, wasn't, married to Jadzia, but Kahn was married to Dax. It's all that matters. It's all that she can think of.

If she had stayed, would Jadzia have died? She wouldn't have been trying for a baby, she wouldn't have gone into that Bajoran temple for a blessing, but she would have died eventually, for some reason or another. Dax, even unwittingly, is drawn to the dangers of the unknown.

Nilani could scream; Lenara knows the feeling now, too. The symbiont twitches in her gut, and everything, every memory, every touch, feels like it's about to crawl through her lungs and explode out her throat.

"I know you tried to write him," he says distantly. "that commander-"

"Captain."

Maybe the fact she knew that said too much, but Bejal doesn't point it out. "How is that not giving into the whims of reassociation?" He's exasperated now. "That man is not your friend. That man was her friend, but she isn't Torias, and you're not Nilani."

"But I used to be," she murmurs. "and that will never go away." Her hand hovers over her stomach. "As long as Kahn lives, those feelings exist." _That want_.

He stands, and with the corner of her eye, she watches him leave. The sound of the door is a painful reminder that she's alone. Her brother, unjoined, will never understand how compelling the past can be. She thought once that when she left Deep Space Nine that she left all of her infantile fantasies with the wormhole. Now she knows that was never the case. They weren't infantile, they were romantic, and now they will never be realized. Forever to be dreams.

She cries, thinking of Ezri, thinking of how confused she must be. Lenara knows she has no training. She looked into the situation at depth. She couldn't help herself.

Ezri Tigan was known for being calm yet confident. Ezri Dax is yet to be discovered.

But Lenara knows that she won't be the one to uncover such a mystery. If she ever meets another Dax again, she won't be able to help herself.

Once, twice, but three times? The human expression, third time's the charm, comes to mind. Before stepping onto that relic of Cardassion architecture, no Kahn had ever understood that phrase. Now, she keeps it dear to her heart, a reminder of all she is, and all she stands to lose.


End file.
